South of the South
Those 4 outermost teeth are officially gone. It’s been a long time coming, too. About 8 years. It was probably 3 years ago I noticed the upper left wisdom tooth starting to decay. That didn’t matter to me at the time, since it didn’t hurt yet. Then about 2 years ago, the lower left got infected from a stuck popcorn shell. The dentist prescribed antibiotics - and a referral to go straight to get them removed at an oral surgeon. I picked up my antibiotics and went home. About 6 months ago I bit down on the decaying upper left tooth the wrong way and it sent a wave of pain through my head. I switched to chewing all my food on the right side. Then, about 1 month ago, A potato chip managed it’s way over to the left, sending the worst wave of pain I’ve felt from that tooth to date. Then I felt something. I worked it to the tip of my tongue and removed it - it was a piece of the tooth. The next morning, another piece fell off. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew this meant I couldn’t put this off any longer. I called a dentist a friend used for his 25-year-old wisdom tooth removal and went in a few days later. It took 1 month to make today’s appointment for some reason, but I didn’t really care - more time to put off the inevitable. I opted to not be under IV-sedation, nitrous oxide, or even the halcyon sleeping pill. They tried to convince me to at least get the gas today; I declined their suggestions. I was calm; dentists never frightened me. The first time I had cavities filled I was probably 9 or 10 years old. A dental assistant had a library of bootlegged concerts her boyfriend recorded himself - in amazing quality for the early 90s. At this point in my life, I had literally never heard popular music before. I chose Phil Collins randomly, and “Another Day in Paradise” caught my attention. I don’t know if it was the lyrics or the simple keyboard melody or his echoing voice, but that song somehow made me feel very calm. It stuck with me throughtout the years, and though I haven’t had to go to the dentist much since then I’ve always thought of it and never had any anxiety about regular visits. Today was obviously a little different than a regular visit. Not only was it the first time a tooth needed to be extracted, but it was four. And on top of that, I’ve never had to have any other type of surgery, never any broken bones. What scared me the most about this procedure was not the operation itself, but losing the total control I either have or think I have over my life. Coincidentally I found out what this fear is called last night on the internet in my pre-operation anxious insomnia: my locus of control is internal rather than external, meaning I cannot accept not being in control of my life, while those who have an external locus can let go when necessary. I can only imagine this will cause more problems later in my life; but that’s another post. The procedure went extremely well with me being in control of telling the dentist when to stop and when to give me more Novocain shots - this doesn’t help my willingness to work on transitioning to external locus. I could feel the pressure of every push and pull in my mouth, but not any pain. The last tooth started giving the dentist problems, and that region wasn’t fully numbed either, but I didn’t alert her to it. I didn’t think it would be fair to face a fear I’ve had for 8 years without any consequences. I endured the pain quietly and calmly for a few minutes and before I knew it, it was out and I was covered in sweat. I’m still bleeding a couple hours later, but I’m confident it’ll stop soon and everything will be ok. For now.

Those 4 outermost teeth are officially gone. It’s been a long time coming, too. About 8 years. It was probably 3 years ago I noticed the upper left wisdom tooth starting to decay. That didn’t matter to me at the time, since it didn’t hurt yet. Then about 2 years ago, the lower left got infected from a stuck popcorn shell. The dentist prescribed antibiotics - and a referral to go straight to get them removed at an oral surgeon. I picked up my antibiotics and went home.

About 6 months ago I bit down on the decaying upper left tooth the wrong way and it sent a wave of pain through my head. I switched to chewing all my food on the right side. Then, about 1 month ago, A potato chip managed it’s way over to the left, sending the worst wave of pain I’ve felt from that tooth to date. Then I felt something. I worked it to the tip of my tongue and removed it - it was a piece of the tooth. The next morning, another piece fell off. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew this meant I couldn’t put this off any longer. I called a dentist a friend used for his 25-year-old wisdom tooth removal and went in a few days later. It took 1 month to make today’s appointment for some reason, but I didn’t really care - more time to put off the inevitable. I opted to not be under IV-sedation, nitrous oxide, or even the halcyon sleeping pill. They tried to convince me to at least get the gas today; I declined their suggestions. I was calm; dentists never frightened me.

The first time I had cavities filled I was probably 9 or 10 years old. A dental assistant had a library of bootlegged concerts her boyfriend recorded himself - in amazing quality for the early 90s. At this point in my life, I had literally never heard popular music before. I chose Phil Collins randomly, and “Another Day in Paradise” caught my attention. I don’t know if it was the lyrics or the simple keyboard melody or his echoing voice, but that song somehow made me feel very calm. It stuck with me throughtout the years, and though I haven’t had to go to the dentist much since then I’ve always thought of it and never had any anxiety about regular visits.

Today was obviously a little different than a regular visit. Not only was it the first time a tooth needed to be extracted, but it was four. And on top of that, I’ve never had to have any other type of surgery, never any broken bones. What scared me the most about this procedure was not the operation itself, but losing the total control I either have or think I have over my life. Coincidentally I found out what this fear is called last night on the internet in my pre-operation anxious insomnia: my locus of control is internal rather than external, meaning I cannot accept not being in control of my life, while those who have an external locus can let go when necessary. I can only imagine this will cause more problems later in my life; but that’s another post.

The procedure went extremely well with me being in control of telling the dentist when to stop and when to give me more Novocain shots - this doesn’t help my willingness to work on transitioning to external locus. I could feel the pressure of every push and pull in my mouth, but not any pain. The last tooth started giving the dentist problems, and that region wasn’t fully numbed either, but I didn’t alert her to it. I didn’t think it would be fair to face a fear I’ve had for 8 years without any consequences. I endured the pain quietly and calmly for a few minutes and before I knew it, it was out and I was covered in sweat.

I’m still bleeding a couple hours later, but I’m confident it’ll stop soon and everything will be ok. For now.

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2 years ago